Monday, November 23, 2009 &
I’ve been holding back the tears for a few days now. But just couldn’t hold them any longer. Tears appeared in the lonely bus ride home. Sounds gay? Haha, maybe, because I’m not half the man I used to be. Wanna know why? Coz I died the day you stopped caring, I did. And you know, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I’ve been like this for 17 years now.
You see I have a problem. My problem is, I can’t trust anyone. I may have a lot of friends but I can’t think of one person who I know I can trust a hundred percent. Whom I know got my back no matter what. It’s this fear inside me, this fear that eats me up every time. Coz inside I always wonder what if someone gives away my secrets. Let it be the smallest thing, but this fear’s the same for every single thing. Holding back myself from trusting anyone. Deep inside, I’m just lonely. I have so many things that I’d like to share, but this fear, doesn’t let me live. 17 years of suppressing happiness and sorrow inside you, makes you go crazy after awhile.
Then I met a friend about two years back, someone who taught me how to trust. Felt good, really nice to know that there’s finally someone whom I can trust. Well we fell apart soon after. And I learnt a lesson. I’d rather be all alone, keeping things to myself, rather than to have a friend walk out on you. Coz it hurts when people leave. Oh yeah, I have this other problem too: I grow very fond of the people who I think I can trust. So if you don’t intend to stay, please don’t make me trust you.
Step into my world. This scary and crazy place where it feels like everyone is out there to get you. Under the rule of a king named Fear. You’re all alone, no one beside you. Occasionally you see a person or two. They talk to you, but you know you’re never to speak to them. Coz when you turn around they might just stab you with a screwdriver.
To all the people who asked if I’m alright, sometimes it’s easier to just say you’re fine rather than to tell all the reason why you’re not.
Cheers (:
my world is so lost & without you; 3:27 AM